The Power of Close Relationships
“When people ask me if I liked growing up as a twin, I always answer with an unequivocal yes. But, it wasn’t always easy. As kids, we were very close, but we argued constantly, we were too often compared to each other, and the many crushes we shared on the same boy frequently left us in tears. But with these difficulties came important lessons. For every time we fought, we also made up. For every daunting experience that most kids had to face on their own – the first day of school, trying out for a new team, spending the night at a friend’s house for the first time -- we had each other. And the constant comparisons – while not always accurate – helped us develop a strong sense of self. We also learned an invaluable lesson on the power of empathy, as we continuously felt each other’s pain and joy as if they were our own.
When the time came to venture off to college on our own, I was apprehensive about being apart. Would I make friends? Would people notice me if I wasn’t part of the “dynamic duo” as we had come to be known? What I quickly learned is that what we shared -- the faith in each other’s goodness despite our misgivings, the undeniable feeling of being understood and accepted no matter what -- was not predicated on being together. It was always with me no matter where I was, helping me believe in myself, and allowing me to take risks, knowing I was armed with the gift of her unconditional love.”
- Hilary Lehman, Connection Labs Collaborator
We last spoke to you about the importance of intentional relationship building and provided a look at a few of its benefits. This week we consider our relationships with our loved ones – those special few who are most dear to us.
Did you know?
As many as 43% of Americans older than 60 experience “frequent or intense loneliness,” and evidence suggests that high quality close relationships are associated with decreased risk of mortality, while social isolation, loneliness, relationship discord are a recipe for poor health. In fact, one study found that a lack of strong relationships increases the risk of premature death by up to 50%.
Close relationships also make us more open to recognizing personal weaknesses in order to better ourselves — even if this can be difficult at times. The love we share with our close ones often fosters self-esteem and improves our mood, which helps make our own misgivings more tolerable. Research also suggests that close relationships lead to a surge in self-sufficiency and independence. Knowing that we have someone we trust and can lean on in times of distress gives us the power to function better independently. This has enormous implications both personally and professionally.
But, according to Brené Brown, the renowned expert on shame, vulnerability, and leadership, we allow our closest relationships to flourish only when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with those people. "To love is to be vulnerable, to give someone your heart and say, 'I know this could hurt so bad, but I'm willing to do it; I'm willing to be vulnerable.” This is easier said than done, but there is no doubt that opening up is worth it — the relationships this leads to make us happier and provide an invaluable resource for coping with grief.
Awareness, Context, Intention
Building Awareness: Consider which among your relationships are the most important to you. What do they allow you to do personally that you might not otherwise be able to do without their emotional support? What strengths do you tap into most to achieve that level of closeness? Which of Brené Brown’s B.R.A.V.I.N.G. elements of trust exist in those relationships?
Considering Context: Close relationships come in a variety of forms, such as family, friends, and romantic partners. Are you better at cultivating one type of relationship than the other?
Creating Intention: Choose one or two relationships that are dearly important to you, and then consciously try and strengthen them for a week or two by allowing yourself to be more vulnerable. Then, look back and evaluate — how has this concentrated effort impacted these bonds?
Tap into your strengths…
As always, we encourage you to use your strengths to maximize your potential, and here it is no different. Here are some suggestions as to how you can best use what you’re good at to maintain close relationships, as well as to facilitate some of Brené Brown’s 7 elements of trust (denoted with an asterisk).
The intimacy that accompanies close relationships can be scary, so use bravery to stick to it — future you will thank you for it
Use curiosity to ask questions about the lives of those closest to you — it will both make their day and help you better understand them
Use honesty to admit when you’ve made a mistake. Accountability* is essential to nurturing long term relationships trust.
And should the other person make a mistake, use forgiveness in your effort to maintain nonjudgement* and generosity*
