Getting Real About Regret
“Not building relationships with professors outside of class, not moving from the agency to the client side when I worked in communications, not voicing a contrarian opinion in certain group settings— these are a few of my regrets. I agree with the research that says that regrets can fall into either the bucket of “action” or “inaction.” The regrets that bother me most are the directions I avoided because I did not have enough courage. I regret these paths of inaction because I’ll never know how they could have impacted my life. On the flip side, I look back on some not-stellar decisions with less remorse and distress because, at the very least, I learned something about myself, what I value, and what I want from life. This awareness nudges me to live more intentionally and courageously.”
- Jen McKinley, Former Connection Labs Team Member
We all know what it feels like to regret something— frustration, often blended with sadness and shame. We cringe at things we did and didn’t do, from trivial decisions such as dinner plans, to landmark choices that impact our relationships and careers. Regret can sometimes be paralyzing, as we become entrapped in a cycle of wishing we had done differently. Yet there is a reason why regret is such a commonly experienced emotion; in moderation, it holds many psychological benefits.
Did you know?
Regret serves a healthy purpose in our lives by preventing the repetition of mistakes. It encourages us to be conscious of our past, as we mentally return to the error we made and consider how we could have approached the situation differently to yield a more favorable outcome. Two related studies found that participants viewed regret as being highly valuable, reporting that it was the most effective out of 12 negative emotions in terms of informing future responses to scenarios, promoting self-awareness and social harmony.
While regret is both normal and productive, lending too much power to this rather aversive feeling can have harmful consequences. This is why the familiar mantra of “No Regrets” has garnered its appeal. When we become overwhelmed by regret, we are unable to focus on any positive opportunities ahead. Someone who is consumed by regret may be referred to as a ruminator, and may suffer from anxiety, depression and difficulty sleeping. Nonetheless, banishing regret is not a viable solution. If we were to fully commit to a “No Regret” mentality, we would be losing a vital tool for informed decision making and moral accountability. Like many things, optimizing regret to enhance productivity is about finding balance.
Naming emotions offers a way to maintain this balance when it comes to regret. Assigning a label to what we are feeling makes the feelings in question less daunting to deal with, and places you in control of overwhelming emotions. Once you have acknowledged how you feel about a mistake, practicing forgiveness with yourself prevents rumination. When you are able to shift from dwelling on something you cannot change, to considering what steps you can take going forward to live optimally, regret remains highly beneficial.
Awareness, Context, Intention
Building Awareness: What role does regret play in your life?
Considering Context: Do you find that you ruminate on certain mistakes more than others? How does the context of a mistake affect how much time you spend thinking about it?
Setting Intention: How can you use regret as a tool to make informed decisions in the future?
Tap into your strengths
Maintaining a healthy relationship with regret can be aided by tapping into your strengths:
Use self-regulation to manage and comprehend feelings of regret.
Use bravery to confront difficult emotions.
Use forgiveness to understand and let go of past mistakes.
Use curiosity to explore your relationship with regret.
