The Truth About Toxic Positivity

“I count myself as fortunate to have grown up with parents who, in many ways, were progressive thinkers. In the 70s, people were experimenting with all sorts of new ideas. My mom and dad attended workshops on the “power of positive thinking,” “mind control” and meditation. Some of their friends thought it was “woo woo,” but because they were my parents, I thought it was normal. I grew up with mantras in my house of “think positive,” verbally “canceling” negative thoughts, attention to and gratitude for the beauty of small things, and encouragement to find the silver linings in situations.

While I am confident that about 90% of the focus on positivity in my youth has served me well in life, I now realize that perhaps 10% fell into the toxic positivity category. While my parents were highly compassionate, caring and loving, there was not a great deal of sharing about or discussing negative emotions. They didn’t share their own, and I realize now that I often didn’t share mine. Becoming aware of this has been incredibly helpful for me both in terms of my own growth and in my roles as a leader, parent, spouse and friend. Now, rather than ignoring negative emotions or countering them with a sunny phrase, I make an effort not only to name and acknowledge them but also to be intentional about creating space for them, inviting them in, and offering myself and others the chance to work through them. And while hope (optimism) and gratitude are top strengths of mine, I now work to tap into the strength of perspective as well to make sure that I allow myself and others to feel the range of emotions that make us all human.”

- Ashley Milliken, Connection Labs Co-Founder & Facilitator

 “Look at the bright side.” “Find the silver lining.” “Good vibes only.”

In difficult times, we often find ourselves bombarded with these phrases.  Whether it is coming from a social media post on our feed, a greeting card, or people who only want the best for us, the message tends to be more or less the same: our negative feelings should and can be abandoned with ease.  Sometimes, we do need a push from a well-intentioned peer to shake ourselves out of a spiral of destructive negativity.  However, more often than not, being told to stop feeling the emotions we are naturally experiencing can cause us to feel frustrated.  This phenomenon is known as toxic positivity.

Did you know?

Toxic positivity is all around us, frequently peddled by social media outlets under the guise of motivational thinking.  Aesthetically-pleasing infographics market blanket statements that are often unreasonable and highly ingenuine.  Throughout the pandemic, toxic positivity became intertwined with the promotion of productivity during lockdown as a means of coping with stress.  This narrative urging people to busy themselves with their newfound spare time placed pressure on those who felt paralyzed by the economic, physical and emotional effects of the outbreak.  

The urge to brush off negative feelings in favor of a “positive” outlook is an innate means of avoiding pain.  However, suppressing emotion is counterproductive–in a study where one group of participants listened to a rationale for accepting emotions and the other listened to a rationale for suppressing them, the former group displayed less negative affect and decreased heart rate after viewing an emotional film. Studies show a correlation between suppressing emotion and holding the belief that negative feelings are unacceptable.  “‘The pressure to appear ‘OK’ invalidates the range of emotions we all experience,’ says Carolyn Karoll, a psychotherapist in Baltimore. ‘It can give the impression that you are defective when you feel distress, which can be internalized in a core belief that you are inadequate or weak.’” 

Toxic positivity can also harm a workplace environment, leaving little room for the confrontation and resolution of necessary issues. Trust between employees is damaged, and productivity is put at risk.

This is not to say that positivity is not valuable when optimally exercised.  The ability to see silver linings is highly beneficial to persevering through tough times.  However, like all things, an excess can create a harmful imbalance.  When positivity is used to hijack healthy, warranted feelings such as sadness and anger, it turns toxic.

Awareness, Context, Intention

Building Awareness: How do you react to negativity in others? Do you allow space for their natural spectrum of emotions?

Considering Context:  In what situations is it appropriate to let go of an issue, to say it truly is no big deal? And in what context would making such a statement feel invalidating and harmful for the person who is hearing it? Are you better at validating others’ feelings at work or at home?

Setting Intention: Practice finding balance between letting yourself feel negative emotions and maintaining an optimistic outlook.  Acknowledge negative emotion, resisting the urge to dismiss it.  Encourage those around you to do the same.

Tap into your strengths

Enable self-awareness, productive communication and genuine optimism by using your strengths.

• Use perspective to allow yourself to experience your emotions as they come and maintain an optimistic outlook without one overpowering the other. 

• Use social intelligence to distinguish where promoting positivity is appropriate, and where it could come across as invalidating.

• Use kindness to empathize with others and listen receptively.

• Use love to build compassionate relationships with open lines of communication.