The Importance of Asking Good Questions
“When I first changed careers in midlife to become a clinical social worker and psychotherapist, I thought the job of the therapist was to come up with the right answers: To make the brilliant and magical insight that unlocks the client’s big a-ha moment. Many years into this work, it’s become clear to me that therapeutic “magic” and healing lie in the asking of good questions.
The moments I find myself with a preconceived notion of what a client needs or means is when I, and the work, get the most stuck. When a client has the feeling that their clinician is trying to convince them of something, this often results in tension, defensiveness, and disconnection. Instead, when I listen closely to what a patient is saying and not saying, how they are moving, and the feelings and sensations that come up in my own body when they are saying it, I am able to detect a natural direction of my curiosity to learn more. What am I wondering about? What would help me gain more clarity? Good questions create a sense of acceptance and exploration— they open the door for mutual discovery and the client’s own story to emerge.
I’ve noticed good questions in my work (and life!) are always like this— they come from a place of genuine curiosity; result from attentive listening; and allow for and welcome surprise. Often in my work I ask a question that I would usually never consider asking in a social situation because the answer seems so self-evident— I might even feel silly to ask something so seemingly obvious. But then, much more often than not, the response to this “silly” question is not what I expect and brings new and enlightening information, helping me and the client understand themselves more deeply and fully than before.”
- Alice Huang, Psychotherapist / Clinical Social Worker
While some professionals—such as lawyers, teachers, and doctors—are trained in the art of asking good questions, many receive no such instruction. Most of us do not ask enough questions, and when we do, we struggle to ask them in effective ways. We may be held back for a number of reasons, including overconfidence, apathy, fear, or ignorance, but good questions help teams learn more, perform better, and mitigate potential pitfalls. All together, these effects strengthen trust, which enables connection to thrive.
Did you know?
In a Harvard study on interpersonal connection, individuals randomly assigned to ask many questions not only learned more about their fellow participants, but also were better liked. It might be challenging for us to intuit this connection between question-asking and likability, but people who ask good questions are actually seen as more empathetic by their colleagues.
How does this happen? At Connection Labs, we discuss active constructive response, which is a listening style that emphasizes positive reinforcement in good times, such as asking follow-up questions that demonstrate enthusiasm for others’ successes. This is just one example of how question-asking can deepen your connection with those around you.
In addition to strengthening relationships, questions can help you:
Encourage others to speak up, fostering collective intelligence and improving the quality of decisions.
Demonstrate that you’re thoroughly prepared, which signals respect, care, and dedication to your colleagues.
Illustrate the expertise you bring to the table, without being ostentatious.
Invite others to deepen or broaden their thinking and challenge their beliefs— all of which promote trust, growth, innovation, and excellence.
While asking questions can be difficult and make us feel vulnerable, good questioning creates a virtuous cycle. Speaking up increases emotional intelligence and builds psychological safety, which then leads to more good questions, and so on. Beyond the discomfort lies strengthened relationships, better communication, and heightened productivity, innovation, and creativity— just ask!
Awareness, Context, Intention
Building Awareness: How does question-asking feel to you? Are you comfortable communicating when you’re confused or uncertain?
Considering Context: When is it difficult for you to speak up? What circumstantial factors make question-asking feel easy to you?
Setting Intention: Next time someone shares a personal moment of pride with you, remember to ask follow-up questions that show you’re engaged. At work, commit to asking clarifying questions when you are unsure of how to proceed. Not only are you getting the support you need, but you’re also encouraging others to do the same.
Tap into your strengths
Use curiosity and love of learning to generate meaningful questions
Use humility to communicate when you need support
Use social intelligence to practice active constructive listening
