Managing Our Inner Voice
“Did I fail the test because I am incapable of learning? Why are others achieving so many things while I feel trapped without any progress? Why are those people looking at me that way when I’m talking? Did I say something wrong? These are the thoughts from my inner voice I commonly have before falling asleep. They run through my mind like gushing water, and as much as I try to clear them, I simply can’t. Regret, embarrassment, insecurity, and negative emotion sometimes haunt and distract me from my daily engagements, for example, making it difficult to focus on a test because I feel that I am not able to understand the concepts. Or I might avoid socializing because I am afraid of judgment. The thoughts don’t go away. They continue to spiral in my head and make me even more uneasy.
Over time, I’ve realized that suppressing these thoughts to try to escape them isn’t the best way to cope with these voices. Instead, facing my inner voice encourages me to become a better version of myself. Now, when I experience the negative inner voice, I try to simply tell myself, ‘It’s okay to be imperfect; you are who you are.’”
- Jenny Yang, Connection Labs Summer Intern, Williams College
We are all well acquainted with our inner voice. This “chatter” in our brain can feel rather incessant, preventing us from focusing on a task or from falling asleep at night. The inner voice becomes particularly cumbersome when it takes on a disparaging tone, questioning us, castigating us, putting us down. In this form, our inner monologue can have real, harmful effects. However, the inner voice serves many important functions, including being an essential tool in combating the very same negative thought spirals it can encourage when unmaintained.
Did you know?
It is not uncommon for our inner voice to capitalize on our insecurities. In an episode of the podcast “Hidden Brain,” University of Michigan psychologist Ethan Kross opens up about his early days as a student at the University of Pennsylvania, grappling with an inner monologue that reinforced his belief that he didn’t belong. This sensation is often referred to as “imposter syndrome”— the internalization of the idea that you are not smart or capable enough for the success you’ve attained. Kross discusses how the inner voice can catastrophize in a circular nature, building on itself and amplifying shame and anxiety. When the negative chatter consumes us, it inhibits our experience of the present moment.
Yet if we completely exile our inner voice, we lose an essential tool. One of the most important roles of the inner voice is when it snaps us out of thought spirals that are irrational or unproductive, which can counterbalance the anxious form that the inner voice can assume when unregulated. A helpful strategy to positively leverage the inner voice is invoking a temporal distance–thinking about how time will affect our feelings. For instance, if we experience an embarrassing moment, we can think now about how we might view that moment a month from now. This distancing might help us realize that the sting of embarrassment will wear off with time.
At Connection Labs, we talk about the power of the pause— stepping back in an emotionally charged moment to see things holistically and allow our emotions to settle. Similarly, if we take a step back from our negative inner monologue to consider how we will feel about a given issue in the future, we can reassure ourselves of the scale of our worry and manage it accordingly. In fact, the same framework we use to approach a challenging conversation with a family member, friend or coworker–considering awareness, context and intention–can be equally effective in quelling a negative inner voice. We can start by simply building an awareness of the voice’s messaging, then consider the contexts in which the voice is loudest, and finally set an intention to reframe mental narratives that cause unhelpful stress and thought spirals.
Awareness, Context, Intention
Building Awareness: What does your inner voice sound like? What is it saying to you?
Considering Context: In what situations does your inner voice assume a negative or denigrating tone? In what situations does your inner voice feel grounding, comforting or guiding for you?
Setting Intention: Use temporal distance to mitigate negativity in your inner narrative. For example, if we are agitated about a work presentation that didn’t go how we wanted, we might take a step back and think about whether we will view this as a “big deal” a month from now.
Tap into your strengths
Use curiosity to question how your inner voice varies across contexts
Use kindness to infuse your inner narratives with compassion for yourself
Use prudence and perspective to take a step back from negative inner narratives and consider how time will impact your feelings about a given situation
Use self-regulation to monitor how you react to your inner voice
